Advice | Carolyn Hax: We would like to spend a day this summer with her cleaning out her house, one drawer, closet, and room at a time, to sort of jump-start her healing and future wellness. Is this wildly inappropriate or the loving thing to do?
We want to help her and do not want to overstep. We would like to spend a day this summer with her cleaning out her house, one drawer, closet, and room at a time, to sort of jump-start her healing and future wellness. Is this wildly inappropriate or the loving thing to do?I’ll go with “loving thing to do,” though in its current form it does not sound like the effective thing to do. This is just not a job for one big assertive day, on a few levels.
Since you are at the threshold between helping and overstepping, responsiveness to her is paramount. It’s okay to come in with definitive offers, especially with a friend who is foundering and has expressed her dismay at that, but keep the offers small, small, small and give her a chance to take an affirmative step toward accepting them.
So, go ahead and intrude past your typical comfort point, but on a small scale. “Grab your sneaks. We’re going for a walk.” “I brought you some dinners for your freezer.” “I’m still listening, I’ll just be over here tackling these dishes.” That kind of thing. If she protests? “I want to do this. Please let me. You’ll get back to it yourself soon enough.” Not pushy. Nudgy. Balanced by generous doses of being there without trying to fix her.
You may not have that kind of time, reasonably, so rally the rest of the “we” you referred to in your letter. Delegate and schedule these small gestures so there is someone at her side on a regular basis, unobtrusively enough not to smother her but steadily enough to give yourselves a chance to catch her in this fall.
If you make a difference, and as you make a difference, look for any glimmer of receptiveness to the formal support she clearly needs. Having information handy for therapists and local grief support groups will prepare you for when that moment comes. Fingers crossed she lets you all in.
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