'My friends and I are all struggling, all sad, and all hoping for a time when we don’t feel like we’re frantically juggling all the shit and trying not to let too much fall'
By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy. Dear Polly,
I want to be less guilty and mean and scattered. I have hurt a lot of people this year, and a lot of people now see me as someone I don’t want to see myself as. I didn’t mean to hurt them, so I’m trying to never do it again. I have tried to make lists about all sorts of things: things I’ve learned, things I know not to do again, the ethics I want to live my life by, things I now know about myself.
It felt amazing. I had chills. I felt fully awake and alive and happy to be there. I know I’m at risk of making you ill now, but I need you to understand: There was a woman a few feet away from me, and I did not turn to her and say, in a jittery voice, “Sorry, I know this is weird.” If she had asked me if I was okay, I would’ve said, “Oh, I do this constantly, I like to cry. Thank you for asking, though.
Sadness doesn’t define you, either, even though it feels like that right now. I cried in the PT waiting room partially because I remembered how sad it feels to be young and afraid. I was so incredibly sad when I was your age, and I didn’t even know it. I hated not knowing who I was or what I should do next, and it made me feel weak and scared and also enraged. I was so angry that I sometimes lashed out and hurt people.
But more than all of these rigorous exercises, I have to forgive my wretched self that is so stubbornly whatever it is at any given moment. I know myself, sure, but I betray and confuse and surprise myself all the time. The key is to refuse to make moral judgments about the ever-shifting nature of the self. You are lots of things, some of them admirable and some of them deplorable. Your job is to resist overinterpreting the supposedly bad self that disappointingly pops up over and over.
Too many lists and too much intellectualizing and not enough forgiving yourself and feeling your way forward will only take you further away from a state of walking slowly and gracefully forward. You’ll lose your precious Andante Grazioso! You don’t want to lose that. Graceful patience is everything for you, right now. It’s forgiveness. It’s embracing what fucking exists for you in this moment, THIS ONE, instead of always wondering anxiously what comes next.
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