A father explains why he’s had to talk in an Australian accent for the past week—and examine his entire personality.
Life just comes easy for him. You know what would happen if I took my kids to the creek? I’ll tell you right now, it wouldn’t be some gorgeously animated life lesson about overcoming fears and appreciating the natural beauty of the world. There would be a lot more trash, and I would have to make sure that my kids didn’t put the trash in their mouths, which makes me the bad guy, so now they’re in a bad mood, and I cave and just let them play with my phone.
Oh, and also? His kids are four and six. Everyone knows that those are the easy ages. My kids are three and one. Much harder! I would like to see Bandit deal with a toddler crying because she can’t find a toy, while he’s holding a baby that’s pulling his hair and screaming in his ear.
Also, I actually feel the effects of time. I have back problems, and not in some cartoony way that’s mentioned offhand as a joke. I mean real problems that involve going to the doctor. Not to mention needing to go to the dentist, dermatologist, couples therapy, and all the other health stuff adults have to do. Simply put, my body is aging, which is something that all humans need to deal with.
Now, if you’re anything like my wife, I’m sure you’ll tell me, “Bandit gets beat up all the time, so can we please drop this and go to bed?” Yeah, well, he’s incapable of feeling pain. If he could feel pain, he wouldn’t be so affable every time he falls or gets hit. Maybe you-all wouldn’t be laughing at it so much, even though people still laugh at the very real pain that I felt when I tripped on that escalator and fell into the mall fountain.
At the end of the day, I simply do not have the bandwidth to pretend to be a robot, or a pirate, or one of the million bits that Bandit can somehow fully commit to. I’m sorry that I don’t have a team of writers making sure that everything I say is charming and witty, or a musical virtuoso composing gorgeous melodies to heighten each and every wonderful moment of my life. I guess you’ll just have to accept the fact that I’m an irritable, imperfect father who lets his kids use the phone too much.
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