“In December 2017, I told a man I didn’t want to marry him. He was someone I had, for several years, wanted to marry. By the time he told me he felt the same way, we hadn’t spoken in months and I’d met someone else, a woman, and fallen in love with her.”
It was one of those agonising encounters that feels unreal in retrospect, and I think of it now as a kind of hinge my life turned on. There was my life before that awkward, unhappy, uncomfortable dinner, when I was a woman who loved a man, and there was my life after it, when I was a woman who loved a woman.
It felt foolish to be asking these questions in my early thirties. These were adolescent concerns – who you are, who you love – which many of my queer friends had grappled with and solved nearly two decades before I came to pose them to myself. But it was undeniable that my new relationship unlocked something in me that I hadn’t previously understood, and which made me reconsider a lifetime of assumptions about myself, about men, about women.
Once, after staying up late to finish an essay on philosophical empiricism, he crawled into bed beside me and I heard him whisper, “I love you.” It was the first time he’d ever said it. “I love you, too,” I whispered back, without missing a beat, and I felt him tense up. “Oh no,” he said. “No, I said I love.” Notable in hindsight, beyond the all-consuming kill-me-now mortification, was that I hadn’t paused to ask myself whether or not I loved him.
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