Dear Abby advises a woman whose mom is asking for too much, and a daughter estranged from her father.
My mother has just informed me that she expects me to send her and her new husband anniversary cards every year, and her husband Father’s Day cards. I was 51 when Mama remarried, three years after my father’s passing. I send her husband a birthday card and text him on Father’s Day, but I feel disingenuous sending them/him anniversary or Father’s Day cards. Her husband is not my father. He has his own adult children.
Incidentally, Mama and her husband do not send me Mother’s Day cards. I do not want her husband to think I consider him my father. I would feel disloyal to my father if I were to do what she’s demanding. Is my mother’s expectation reasonable? Should I send cards just because she wants me to? —friend or relative you wish to congratulate. That she would expect you to treat her new husband, a “new addition” to your family, as a father figure is ridiculous.
My dilemma is whether I should continue trying to get through to her. I’d like to see her children, but I’m unsure whether she will respect my boundaries if I see her in person. Her continued haranguing is stressful. I’m tired of being labeled a punishing, overly sensitive shrew for attempting to set boundaries with my father. However, I’m loath to cut off all contact with her, given that I’m not seeing my dad.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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