Dear Fuck-Up,
About a year ago my dad died of suicide. Like many men who’ve gone the same way, he was a famously charismatic, kind, funny, and deeply smart person. We were extremely close.
I don’t want to go into much more detail about the year leading up to his passing, but I’ll just say it wasn’t easy. He was not himself, and we often fought . A year or so later, my mum told me that she’d spent that same time waiting to hear from him and that she’d never been able to understand why he didn’t reach out to her, especially if he was suffering. During that same conversation, she told me that he was the love of her life and she would have taken him back at any moment.
I currently live in complete denial. I’ve become very good at projecting the image of a healthy, grieving, and healing person to the world, and have even begun to believe it myself. But privately, I cannot think of my dad or his death, because I feel completely responsible. The shame and guilt and sadness are too much. The few people I’ve told about feeling responsible have all said that I’m not to blame. But I don’t accept that.
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