'The first time I acknowledged I was trans, in the properly conscious sense, beyond speculation, was around my 30th birthday. Almost four years before I came out publicly.' Read an excerpt of Elliot Page's upcoming memoir, Pageboy
’d always been told I was gay, made fun of for it. I felt comfortable in environments with queer women. But something in me knew that I was. It was something I had always known but didn’t have the words for, wouldn’t permit myself to embrace.The first time I acknowledged I was trans, in the properly conscious sense, beyond speculation, was around my 30th birthday. Almost four years before I came out publicly.
“Do you think I’m trans?” I’d asked a close friend. They answered hesitantly, knowing no one can come to that conclusion for someone else, but they looked at me with a quiet recognition and said, “I could see that . . .” It was a light shining through from under the door.Then there was the time when I wasn’t the one to bring it up. I was having a small party. People jumped in the pool and huddled together on outdoor furniture. My friend Star and I sat off alone, catching up on the patio.
At my party, we sat together on an oversize chair, the splashes and music blending together in the background. We spoke about gender. I shared the degree of my discomfort, how even when I was playing a role, I couldn’t wear feminine clothes anymore. How I always struggled in the summer when layers were not an option and the presence of my breasts under my T-shirt forced me to incessantly crane my neck, sneaking quick peeks down. I would pull on my shirt, my posture folded.
Imagine the most uncomfortable, mortifying thing you could wear. You squirm in your skin. It’s tight, and you want to tear it off your body but you can’t. Day in and day out. And if people learn what is underneath, who you are without that pain, the shame will come flooding out, too much to hold. The voice says you deserve the humiliation. You are an abomination. You are not real.Biden Vowed to Protect the LGBTQ Community. But What’s Really Changed for Transgender People?“Yes, well, maybe.
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