Ever since my first son was stillborn, I don’t trust my body pregnancyandinfantlossawareness
While the autopsy didn’t find any correlation between my son’s size and the cause of death, every professional I consulted flagged his weight—a whopping 10.5 pounds—as an anomaly. I couldn’t help but feel that somehow my size had contributed to his death.
Still heavily grieving my first baby, I was wholly unable to accept society’s assumption that a pregnancy meant the inevitable birth of a live baby.But there was no room for excitement; I was terrified that something was fundamentally wrong with me. Though I was clearly able to make and grow babies, I was convinced my body would fail us at the last minute and we’d have to leave another baby behind at the hospital, so we induced my second son at 37.5 weeks, mostly to manage my anxiety.
The comments aren’t unfounded: I do carry large. I am just under five foot five, have a slight build and weigh less than 120 pounds pre-pregnancy. The space between my hips and ribs is really small and, though I’ve never heard this as a scientific reason for a large baby bump, it’s a fact my brain reassures me with when I learn that I’m measuring 31 weeks at 24 weeks.
I find myself obsessively going over the facts: My due date has been determined by ultrasound and matches up almost exactly with my own recorded dates; this is my third pregnancy and I have grown and stretched and will certainly look bigger with each one; and I make big babies. And yet, I can’t let it go. I try on 100 shirts before deciding on one that makes me look marginally smaller. My anxiety over being asked about my pregnancy increases, along with my size.
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