NEW YORK—Noting that it was becoming increasingly crucial for those in high-risk jobs to invest for retirement as early as possible, top financial experts concluded Wednesday that young grifters should begin laying the groundwork for a long con by age 25. “We strongly urge young grifters to put away 10 percent of their side-hustle earnings in preparation for the future and establish a relationship with a rich banker’s resentful nephew or profligate daughter while they’re still in their early 20s. Sure, it may not seem glamorous, but burning shoe leather never is—and no one wants to be stuck picking pockets or shaving dice when they’re 90,” said Mark Zandi, chief economist of Moody’s Analytics, whose company strongly encourages millennials to diversify their scams to include modern ventures such as duping counterfeit cryptocurrency and running Russian I.D. farms in addition to wise-old-owl methods like three-card monte. “The good news is that it’s still easy to fall for get-rich-quick schemes, but it’s not anywhere near foolproof. To retire at a decent age, a young conman or conwoman has to have the resilience to ride out the months-long peaks and valleys of the Spanish Prisoner. If you don’t transition into a steady career at the top of a good, steady, money-washing, multilevel lipstick marketing business by the time you reach middle age, then you leave yourself open to a bunch of young buck mechanics with a loaded deck sweeping into town and sniping you at blackjack.” The nation’s top financial analysts also recommended that world-weary femmes fatales and caper men begin planning for one last big heist.
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