Licensed clinical professional counselor Phyllis Fagell has a new book out, and it's worth reading for its description of my new favorite diagnosis: FOPO. Read more from HeidiStevens13 in her latest column.
If your child has made a regrettable decision, instead of catastrophizing, Phyllis Fagell writes in"Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times," approach the child with trust and a spirit of collaboration.
FOPO is a minor player in this brilliant, bighearted, highly practical guide to helping kids navigate the mess of middle school emotions, mistakes, insecurities and social minefields.But I love it as an anchor anyway, because naming it, acknowledging it, and helping diffuse it make every other lesson in the book more achievable — for kids, but also for parents, who are as afflicted by FOPO as anyone.
“They’re changing faster than at any other time in their life other than between birth and age two. On top of these challenges, their friendships are unstable; they often struggle to label feelings or ask for help; they have limited coping skills and tend to catastrophize; and they’re suddenly acutely aware of how they stack up to others.”But, she’s quick to remind us: They want to be good people and do the right thing.
“Your child doesn’t have to believe the alternative explanations,” she writes. “The idea is to get them in the habit of appraising situations more realistically and learning to distinguish between neutral and threatening behavior.” She finds it pointless to ask a child if they’ve been mean to another child, for example. They’ll just deny it.Post-misstep conversations should never focus on a kid’s character flaws, Fagell writes, but on how to make things right.
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