'I had seen Josh O’Connor before... At the time, I registered that he was cute (my type is British with a pulse), but I didn’t pay him much attention. The imminent collapse of organized society shifted my female gaze.'
The endless scroll of temptation moves from vintage hotties to modern-day . Other forms of content may get bookmarked—makeup tutorials, New Yorker cartoons, Rihanna outfits—but my eye candy archive takes precedence. Under normal circumstances, this cache of cuteness would be enough of a diversion, but summer 2020 is committed to being bizarre.
It wasn’t always like this. Though I’d begun the year in a funk when New York’s stay at home orders started in March, I. My mind focused on the goals I’d finally accomplish with all my newfound time. I envisioned a highly productive fictional self who would buckle down and write the next great novel or screenplay.
None of that happened. After travel bans, quarantine, and a newfound germaphobic streak confined me to my apartment, I began to indulge my most sedentary urges. When I wasn’t working, I existed in a fog. Each day after I wrapped up the final video conference or Slack message, I leaned into limbo, zoned out for hours at a time, and berated myself for being in a creative rut. Isolation plus loneliness is never a great combo, but the pandemic heightened my sense of dread.
Despite the change in location, my schedule remained the same. All the deadlines, meetings, and obligations that flooded in when I was tethered to the office shuffled dates and piled up. While I felt blessed to have gainful employment when so many were struggling, my inner life had evaporated. The worse I felt, the more I nurtured toxic friendships, ignored self-care, and lived based on a never-ending to-do list.
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