'I wasn't prepared for the grief that overwhelmed me.'
Pregnancy Loss Is True Loss, and It Makes You Question Everything
I made an appointment with my gynecologist and was scheduled for an ultrasound the following week. My doctor was able to confirm what I had suspected. I had experienced a chemical pregnancy. He nonchalantly added that it was very common and many women experience them without ever knowing. He followed this with a slight shrug and said I was lucky because this meant that my body was indeed able to conceive and my chances of future pregnancy's would be higher.
In rare moments when the old sadness creeps back up, I acknowledge it and then I do my best to smile to myself and hug my daughter a little tighter.It also happened to be right around the holiday season and I struggled to find joy. I had anticipated feeling a bit of sadness around the whole experience, but I wasn't prepared for the grief that overwhelmed me. I mourned my pregnancy and what could have been. I feared what it meant for the future.
My doctor had advised we wait a few months before trying again. This advice was a blessing. It gave me time to sit with my sadness and to process the. I turned my focus to my work and my marriage and decided we would try again when the timing felt right. Months later, with hesitation, I took another pregnancy test. This time I had waited a full week until after my period should have arrived. My hand shook as I looked for those familiar pink lines. There they were.
I carried the baby to full-term and was thankful for every day that my belly grew. The sadness I held felt earlier that year following my loss slowly became less and less. I will never forget my first pregnancy, no matter how briefly it lasted. In rare moments when the old sadness creeps back up, I acknowledge it and then I do my best to smile to myself and hug my daughter a little tighter.
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