If you've ever felt this way, read this:
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months because I realized that, even though I cared for her, I did not love her. This was my first serious relationship in a while and, though I love my friends and family deeply, I have not loved anyone romantically for many years.
Should I be worried? How long does it take you to fall in love with someone? Do you think it’s possible to be sure you even do love them?I think there are several things going on in your letter which need to be disentangled. The first is the immediate context: that you recently ended a specific relationship with a specific person because you didn’t love her and felt that continuing the relationship would be unfair to her.
This leads me to my next point, which some readers may find disturbing, but which I want you to keep firmly at the front of your mind from now on: Plenty of the people in relationships you see all around you are not actually in love with one another. For real. I promise I’m not just being bitter.
There are some things you might consider which I can’t fully deduce from your letter. I am assuming, from the name you originally included in your letter, that you are a man. You also mention that your ex was a girlfriend. But don’t say how you would identify your sexual orientation.
Of course, if you’re someone who embarks on romantic relationships infrequently it doesn’t automatically follow that you lack the capacity for romantic love. It may simply mean you haven’t met many people who inspire it. I personally can relate to this—I have reached my mid-30s having only truly been in love twice, ten years apart. I mention this because the relentless, exhausting pursuit of a romantic relationship is something we are all indoctrinated into believing is “normal” and desirable.
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