“Why do I expect people to respond to my letters when I’ve never shown anyone else the same courtesy? Why do I keep writing letters to feel better when it only makes me feel worse?”
I have a lot of trouble expressing my feelings to romantic interests while we’re in the thick of it, both good and bad. I can’t even seem to be honest during a final argument or good-bye. All I know how to do is put it in a letter, and I’ll only do that once the envelope on a relationship has been sealed for good.
I got a letter from an ex-boyfriend once that made me angry, not numb, but there was a similar sense of subterfuge. That the letter was concealing more than it was revealing. I remember telling him in person, “But you didn’t say anything!” That’s a funny thing to say to a person who has just written down their feelings and sent them to you.
Because even though your intentions feel pure at the outset — I’m seeking clarity! I’m laying out the details! I’m offering up my side of the story! — you’re throwing down some brutal truths at the exact moment when these details are no longer relevant. You’re saying, “Sadly, I must bid you adieu, but before I disappear completely, HERE ARE ALL OF THE WAYS YOU DISAPPOINTED ME.”
I spent years engrossed in imaginary arguments in my head, so I know what I’m talking about. And these days, when I get a letter from someone who’s incredibly attached to laying out the minutest details of an interaction — “He called on Thursday and said this, I wrote back on Friday to say that, we met on Saturday and it was weird” — it’s often a sign that the person wants to find some way to legislate WHO IS RIGHT and WHO IS WRONG.
You should write more letters to people who are actually in your life. Shift your focus from the past to the present. Sort through your feelings in writing, so can talk about how you feel and what you need straight to people’s faces for a change. You also need to recognize how different people are from each other. Maybe you’ve been signing on to relationships with people who are truly, deeply, abidingly not your type.
So stop nodding along and then accusing other people of being fake. Stop getting angry that no one can read your mind. You don’t assert yourself or protect yourself within a relationship, so you have a compulsion to set things straight after the fact, but it only makes you feel overexposed and regretful. Sure, it feels good in the moment, to crawl into your house of words, which is brilliant and gorgeous, with soaring ceilings and flying buttresses.
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