“When I wasn’t at work I was simply existing, which in itself felt like a huge effort,” writes Tish Weinstock.
, it seeps into your life imperceptibly, dulling your senses to the point that you aren’t able to clearly see what’s going on.
At some point, I stopped eating, which I put down to morning sickness. But I didn’t feel sick, I felt numb. When I wasn’t at work I was simply existing, which in itself felt like a huge effort. I thought about the thing growing inside me. I should have been filled with love, but instead I felt empty and uninterested, mixed in with a bit of contempt. I didn’t want this thing to take over my body, and I hated that it was with me wherever I went.
Things eventually came to a head when I downloaded a puzzle app called Wordscapes. It started off fairly normally – I’d play it on the way to work. Only, I couldn’t seem to put my phone down when I got there. Then, I started playing it when I got home, until well after it was time for bed. Just one more round, I’d say to myself. I was hooked. Things got so weird that at weekends I’d enter tournaments and play against complete strangers under my avatar – a white wolf called Fang. I was not well.
By the third trimester, I had emerged from the chrysalis of my depression. I’d almost grown fond of my bump, amused by every toss and turn, which felt more like the routine of an Olympic gymnast. Weeks later, my son was airlifted out of me via caesarean, a tiny alien creature covered in corporeal goop, one I viewed with both curiosity and suspicion. We meet, at last.There were only a couple of dark days after that.
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