I’m a married man but I’ve been having a relationship with another woman. We meet once a month at a hotel and have amazing sex In this week’s Couples Therapy we're asked: is it OK to keep going like this? I feel like it has made my marriage happier
I hear that sexuality is important to you, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Sexual happiness and fulfilment is a birthright of all humans – and so you’ve chosen a pathway that, on the surface, seems like a logical solution. Having sex outside of your marriage with someone in a similar situation may seem like the ultimate “win-win” for all involved – and in some cultures a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude to affairs is far more commonplace.
Increasingly, the old societal rules that governed our sex lives are being reassessed as new forms of relationship come to the fore, and I am an advocate for these new ways of being in relationship – so long as all parties are consenting. In my experience as a therapist, the sexual part of infidelity is often the lesser issue – it’s the broken trust that does the real damage for the one finding out, especially if there is any history of betrayal and abandonment in their past. And that is often extremely difficult, if not impossible, to repair. “How can I trust anything in life if the person closest to me could do this?” is a question I hear often.
You have a choice, and how you move forward in life will really depend on what you value the most. David Schnarch talks about a “two-choice dilemma” in relationships – in your case, the desire for sexual fulfilment outside of your marriage and your desire to maintain your family life. Choose one and you risk the other. But contemplating these seemingly intractable dilemmas can point the way forward for us.
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