Dear Care and Feeding: He told me he has given up on having any meaningful, loving relationship with my 12-year-old.
I have a loving partner of six years. We came together after both of us went through a divorce. It has been a profoundly loving relationship where we both have committed fully to making it work and to growing together through the challenges. We have fully supported each other through the ups and downs of entrepreneurship. We have a sex life most people would dream of. I truly love this man. Each of us has two daughters. They are staggered perfectly in age at 8,10, 12, and 15.
He and I have had our ups and downs as well. He undoubtedly has anger issues and grew up in a very authoritarian household. We have been in couples therapy for two years and have made great progress in how we resolve conflicts with one another. Almost all of our conflicts are around parenting. One major component is his relationship with my 12-year-old. He admits that they have a difficult relationship. As she gets older, it seems to me he just doesn’t like her, as hard as he has tried to.
He has a strong bias towards his own daughters, which I know is completely normal. I know because I have my own toward mine and try hard to be aware. But it is something he refuses to acknowledge. He is significantly harder on my daughters. They receive harsher punishments. They get blown up for small things. Whereas his girls receive his gentle side. There have been times when he has been disrespectful and mean toward them, which is damaging to their self-confidence.
Just recently, he told me he has given up on having any meaningful, loving relationship with my 12-year-old. This absolutely breaks my heart. She is an amazing kid and deserves love. He feels like it’s just life and not all families get along. But I am seriously considering leaving him for the happiness of my children. I don’t want to break the hearts of my stepdaughters or break up the relationship all four girls have together, which is deep and meaningful.
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