Dear How to Do It: My husband’s positive STI test is ruining my life.
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.My husband and I have been in a monogamous relationship for about 14 years. We recently separated, and during our separation, he had a Tinder hookup. He used a condom during this one-time encounter. A few weeks later, we reconciled and began having sex. I discovered at some point in there that he didn’t ask his Tinder hookup about her sexual history or her STI status, and that they had unprotected oral.
A couple of days later, he got a positive HSV-2, or genital herpes, test result . We both freaked out. Despite my knee-jerk emotional reaction, I now realize there’s a decent chance we’ve both had this for decades and never knew it. At the same time, though, I’ve had two kids, have gone through some extreme stress and times of lowered immunity, but have never had any symptoms. So, maybe not—it could have come from the Tinder date.
This morning, we were running errands and I asked him if he wanted to go to the drug store, not being more specific because we had a kid in the car. I made a stop and stayed in the car with the kid while he went in. He came out, put the bag in my purse so I could smuggle it past the kids, and told me that he got the kind for “her pleasure.” When I got in the house and looked in the bag, there were condoms but no dental dams.
At the same time, perhaps his inability to extend to you the compassion that you need is a symptom of his own stress in dealing with this, which is to say that perhaps his dearth of compassion is a sign that he could use some himself. You’re both going through this together, and your collective disturbance arose as a product of circumstance, not malice or betrayal or gross negligence. The sore on his gum is bothering you, but it is likely doing the same for him, as it isgum.
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