I'm perfectly pro-porn, but I'm still so upset.
I am overdue for a dialogue with my husband. We’ve been together for 13 years, and are both in our early 40s. Part of my reason for writing to you is to help sort out how I feel before approaching him, since I don’t want to shame him, and I feel so mixed up.
I have ambivalent feelings about porn and sex work. My own background is that I’m pansexual—I dated my first girlfriend when I was 18, and struggled with shame about it at the time. I had relationships with three other women over the years and had male partners, too. My male partners tended to watch porn, and sometimes I watched it with them. I have not craved it much on my own, especially when I realized it could make me turned on and uncomfortable all at once. So, it didn’t stick for me.
I haven’t seen porn in a long time, but some of what I remember seemed exploitative of very young women. I’m learning that there’s more real consent in a lot of porn than I thought, though. I’ve also been uncomfortable in strip clubs. Not because of the dancers , but because of the patrons, and how they behaved toward me in those spaces. And also because of how my own peers would speak about sex workers—they’d be critical, mocking, and insulting.
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