AskPolly: 'How does one swim in a lake of shit without deciding that swimming in a lake of shit is an activity they’d rather not partake in?'
A good word to describe my life right now is pathetic. I graduated with my master’s degree from one of the best universities in the world. I worked HARD to get there. I had emotional support from my mother but aside from that, my parents are not rich nor are they well-networked. They work hard-labor jobs so I knew coming out of college it was going to be difficult to get my foot in the door. But I didn’t know I would lose the will to live.
I have trouble feeling compassion for you when I focus on how little compassion you have for me. I only want to defend myself and blame you for seeing me as some pathetic soft-pawed lady in a perfect little boat. You can have all of the advantages in the world and still feel lost and fucked in the head. After my parents got divorced, I was raised by a single mother who was constantly in debt. I was deeply lonely and confused as a kid and also as a teenager and also as a young adult.
Apparently not. I’ve been sleeping horribly for something like a month now, and this morning when I crept out of my hotel room, trying not to wake my husband and kids, I felt heavy inside. I had to work hard not to immediately blame myself for this feeling. The past two mornings I’ve been so happy — writing furiously, inspired, thrilled to be here. But this morning I felt a little sad for no reason. I felt lonely. Sometimes I feel like I can’t get anyone in my life to meet me where I am.
You can make that into a moral — people should appreciate what they have! — but that’s really easy to say from a distance. You don’t know how it feels inside someone else’s skin. Even when everyone around you is telling you to appreciate what you have, there are times when your body, which is weak and unpredictable, cannot get in line with your ideals. It stubbornly clings to an alternative timeline, a fantasy, an escape route, a path of destruction.
Can we blame them for being loaded and unhappy? Yes, easily. We can think of the children drowning in the Mediterranean as we speak, and we can think of the children who will continue to drown all over the planet, as the tides rise and cities are submerged and huge crowds of humans leave their homes forever in order to survive.
But let’s just pretend for a second that these people are as confused and as bad as they seem. Let’s pretend so that I can beg you to reconsider your definitions of disgusting and pathetic. Because no matter how pathetic your life feels right now, it couldn’t be as pathetic as having all the money in the world and writing an angry email about a small amount of money while you’re in paradise.
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