Lane Clarke: My mom gave birth to me after she was assaulted. Don't use my story as an anti-abortion talking point
t’s June 27. I’m 29. It’s my birthday. And I wish it weren’t.
I didn’t always hate my birthday. I distinctly remember turning 5 in my backyard with a small pony my grandma had found and the Hot Wheel cars my first-grade crush came to play with. I remember renting out the ice-skating rink when I turned 6. The bowling party when I turned 9. The sleepover with waffles and ice cream when I was 10. We sang karaoke. My mom and grandmother were the judges. They picked my shyest friend as the winner.
I spent most of my teen years wanting to die. I felt the burden of my existence every day. I still cannot put into words the darkness that rips through you when you believe you were not chosen, not loved, and wished away. It was not strength that kept me here. It was fear. Fear that maybe I was destined for Hell, that a person conceived from something so dark, so evil, could ever have a place in the Heaven promised by those who would force me into existence and then leave me to suffer alone.
I want to be clear. I don’t think a person needs to be raped or violated to have access to an abortion. I think the extremism used in the conversation is, while a real concern, unhelpful in the overall fight for reproductive equity. Harm should not have had to come to you to exercise full control over your own body.
But if you are also a child of sexual assault, just know that I see you. Maybe you are battling with appreciation for your own life, and a wish that your life did not harm another. I know you are tired of people talking at you, about you, but never to you, never for you. Not really. Because they are too busy speaking for themselves, pushing their own agendas, and using our stories to perpetuate harm. Today I am 29, and I wish, still, that I weren’t.
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