Dear How to Do It: I don’t feel I have the right to ask her to make another adjustment.
. It’s worth asking your parents whether they noticed you engaging in any activities while sleeping when you were a child, and seeing if you can get evaluated for sleep apnea. Psychotropic medications may be able to help, and it seems as though the use of drugs and alcohol, insufficient rest, or other sleep disruptions may increase the likelihood of sexual behaviors occurring during sleep.
Your girlfriend is telling you what she knows about what she needs to heal, which is for sexual interaction to be completely off the table. She’s also expressing a desire to put it behind you, which might mean that she needs space to avoid thinking about what happened that night for a while. Think of it as not picking a scab. Process your feelings elsewhere, and give her what she’s asking for. I’m not sure if there is a way to prevent your relationship from, as you put it, turning to shit.
One route, again depending on your husband’s boundaries, is to fantasize together. Describe what you’d do with a third person in your bed to each other. Paint a picture of them. Mark that your role-play is just that—an exercise in imagination—and remind each other after the sex is finished that while you enjoy going on these mental adventures, neither of you is going to put them into practice. Another option is erotic media.
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