Note from a Very Bad Dancer: Leave Elizabeth Warren alone, you bastards
I just turned 37, which is too old to pretend that things will ever change for me. I am a Very Bad Dancer, always have been, and always will be. A lot of people believe that Very Bad Dancers suffer from a mere rhythm deficiency, and are just by nature not very artistic people. But that’s not true—the philistines of the world don’t actually care that they can’t dance, while I suffer greatly. I very muchto be good at dancing.
Weddings? Weddings are a nightmare. People get drunk and are constantly trying to pull me onto the dance floor, and when I tell them I’m a Very Bad Dancer, they laugh and say, “come on! Nobody’sbad!” And so eventually, with great reluctance, I trudge to the dance floor and attempt to dance, mostly because I’m likely drunk myself, and quickly I become instantly sober as I remember how bad I am. The painful self-awareness floods my senses, and I am incapacitated.
Normal dancing at a club or bar? Forget it. I’ve done this a few times in my life, and it’s even been fun, but once I did it in New York with a few semi-friends, semi-acquaintances, and I heard them making fun of me afterward. Never again. I choose not to dance. But, tragically, I like dancing. My mother—great irony—is an excellent dancer, and has done choreography for musicals. When I’m by myself, I love to dance and am totally uninhibited. If anyone ever saw these performances they would die instantly of contact humiliation, but that doesn’t change my secret love for dance. All of which compounds my torture, I think. You cannot be a Very Bad Dancer without the desire to be a Very Good Dancer.
I know your terrible advisers told you to be more relatable and dance but really the trick is just being your authentic self. No more no less
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