CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars, but the truth is they’re just neutrons that originated in Tuscany, Piedmont, Sicily, and other regions of the Italic Peninsula,” said astrophysicist Dr. John Marder, whose experiments that involved shooting beams of neutrinos from a particle accelerator allowed scientists to observe that the Italian neutrons left behind nearly imperceptible trails of marinara sauce. “Over 100 trillion neutrinos pass through your body every second, but you never feel their little chef’s hats or big, bushy, black mustaches. That’s because matter has little effect on neutrinos; they only interact via the weak nuclear force to gesticulate wildly about nearby pizzerias or argue about the proper way to make a gravy. Discovering they are fluent in Italian has revolutionized our understanding of the quantum world.” At press time, Marder decried the idea that all neutrinos have mafia ties as a harmful, scientifically incorrect stereotype.
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