Homer Simpson of The Simpsons delivers a socially distanced commencement speech to the high school and college graduates of 2020.
The world is in crisis, beset by challenges heretofore unseen. Ones that are testing spirits and reserves. Ones that will not allow you to attend concerts, sporting events, family reunions, and graduation ceremonies. Sorry about the first two , but allow us to help on that fourth front.
Tip No. 1: If they’re towing your car, get in. Then it becomes kidnapping. Tip No. 2: You get drunker on rum and Diet Coke than on rum and Coke. Tip No. 3: This speech is appearing in a magazine called, which comes out monthly. I advise you to hold on to it, because there will not be entertainment nor magazines for a long while. Tip No. 4: This speech is supposed to be 500 words. Only agree to 250 words. Five hundred is way too many. Way, way too many. Tip No. 5: Carpe diem.
Now, if you’re a college student, I want to ask you this: Why were you paying room and board for the last semester? And what is “board” anyway? And remember, you are leaving college, but they are not leaving you. They will come after you the rest of your life for money. If you’re a high school student, this is a good time to take a year off and travel the world...from your bed- room. And take comfort in this: If you’re not invited to a graduation party over Zoom, big deal.
One thing I can tell you now that you’re graduating — nothing you’ve learned the past four years will ever come up again. Nobody dissects frogs, nobody talks about Beowulf. That’s what life is like as an adult. It stinks. Don’t graduate. On behalf of my generation, I would like to apologize for the state of the world. But that can was sure fun to kick all the way down the road. Now it’s your turn. The world may be bad, but you can still make it a little worse.
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