'I wasn’t allowed to hold my baby for five days.'
Penny is mum-of-one to Rupert, who was born prematurely at 29 weeks and spent 2 months in the NICU. As he reaches his first birthday she reflects on, a day I’ve been dreading and panicking about. I don’t feel this joy of the one year milestone, I’m not excited to celebrate, I haven’t got all the stuff ready for lovely Instagram photos. I don’t have boxes with balloons, or a crown with ‘1’ written on it.
I wasn’t allowed to hold my baby for five days. To this day, a year on, I feel rage and sadness that I couldn’t hold my precious child who needed me so much and who I needed.A year since Rupert was born and I have recently started counselling, which is helping. I have beenand I often have intrusive memories that flutter into my mind, it takes me back there. I feel fear that my baby won’t make it and feel helplessness that there is nothing I can do to help him.
These intrusive little thoughts hit me most days. Sometimes it’s anger about flippant comments people make. The sentences that start with “at least” when people aren’t engaging with what you’re trying to convey but are just trying to shut you up because you’re bringing them down.
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