Myra Sack writes about bringing a new baby home to the room that used to belong to Havi, the child she lost to Tay-Sachs disease.
Myra SackI was sitting on the couch in my daughter Havi’s room, my legs straddling a half-full bin of toddler clothes and other items on the floor. Matt was crouched between the bin and Havi’s open bureau drawers as we removed and sorted her clothes into two piles: one that her younger sister, Kaia, would love to wear, and one that we needed to keep as Havi’s own.
We finally removed the last of the decorative stickers that Matt had put up when Havi was just about a year old. That was the time we started to sense Havi having developmental delays that eventually led to her. At her first birthday we were still hopeful and hadn’t gotten to that deepest darkest place in our minds and hearts. We couldn’t fathom losing her. But we were worried about her development.
I’m musing about Havi and Kaia’s baby brother, who is due to arrive soon. Any day now. Kaia, who turned 2 at the end of June, has been telling us that she is going to share her stuffed doggie with him, put Band-Aids on his boo-boos and even give him milk. “Maybe nap together?” Kaia adds, staring up at me with her irresistible big brown eyes. Before I can reply, she’s already run off to find her doll baby to push in her stroller.
I’ve been in your old room a lot. Breastfeeding Ezi and having him sleep on me. It’s quite the transition. Your photos are still on top of his bookshelves and sometimes I feel like you’re in there with me. Dad did an amazing job setting up the space; it really feels like his own room. And yours is downstairs, still being finished up. I haven’t been down yet but I know they put a fresh coat of lavender paint on today. Ezi didn’t sleep much last night.
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