In newyorkerhumor, a couple who met on Settle—a dating app for people ready to settle, and to settle down—go apartment-hunting.
The broker explained that the lava had largely set in the living areas, but the bathroom remained molten, adding that this unit would always be a “shoes-on-inside type of home.” The price was seven hundred and fifty-six thousand dollars with monthly maintenance, including extra sprinkler checks, of around nine hundred dollars.This one-bedroom, two-bathroom penthouse was in a 2008 condominium with an elevator. The doorman was a cassowary named Brian.
Intrigued by the potential opportunities that a lava floor could bring to her yoga practice, Ms. Jeong was initially keen on the Dumbo co-op. And Mr. Lewes noted that, “No matter what happens in the rest room, we never have to light a match!” However, the co-op application process proved insurmountable. “They really pried into my various companies, and, because each one of them is failing, they got judgy,” Mr. Lewes said.
Last spring, a second viewing of the duplex in Prospect Lefferts Gardens left the couple feeling shook. Mr. Lewes explained, “We were only there for five minutes, and Jane was in floods of tears about something that the microwave said.” Ms. Jeong declined to repeat what that was, but added that the dishwasher texted her afterward to apologize. That wasn’t enough to convince the couple, though. “Home should be emotionally safe, and your appliances should be on your side, or at least neutral,” Mr.
After repeated viewings and a discussion with a zoologist, the couple made an offer on the condo in Brooklyn Heights, in March. “In our last building the doorman was a human. Honestly, I found him a little too chatty—and he could be indiscreet,” Mr. Lewes said. Ms. Jeong learned that cassowaries are shy and secretive birds—ideal traits in a doorman. The couple moved in two months ago and remain alive. There have been a couple of mauling incidents, but none involving residents.
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