'I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop; for something to happen that will show everyone that I am not good enough.'
reader recently wrote: “I am a 41-year-old emergency room doctor. I know that I am good at what I do, but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to happen that will show everyone that I am not good enough. In med school, I used these negative emotions to motivate myself to do things. When I graduated, I remember thinking, ‘Everyone’s a doctor. No big deal.’ So to distinguish myself, I decided to specialize in emergency room medicine.
Like many high-achieving professionals with ADHD, you are using shame to motivate and manage yourself. You feel that there is something wrong with you. Shame tells you, “I am a failure” and “I am bad.” It threatens your well-being. You spend the day trying to hide your flawed self from others, and you are fearful that you will be found out.
Neurotypical people have prefrontal cortexes that act like a butler. “Sir,” the butler calmly says, “your keys are on the table.” Or “Madam, you must leave now if you want to be on time.” Many individuals with ADHD, having limited access to their prefrontal cortex, rely on their emotions to make decisions and to motivate themselves. Shame provides a well of negative emotions from which they can draw.
So instead of a tranquil butler, individuals with ADHD have an angry neighbor threatening them with his shoe. “If you lose your keys again,” he yells, “I’ll throw this at you!” They feel bad and create emotional cues to help them remember their keys. They begin to listen for that angry neighbor to “help” them remember their keys. They learn that shame improves their performance.
Watch for the times when you may be getting caught on the small, unimportant details in life. Ask yourself, “Would there have been a difference that would have been significant in the long run?” Answer that question as honestly as possible. Rather than siphoning your energy to pay the perfection meter, imagine how much better your resources could be spent, meeting other challenges. Ultimately, chasing perfection will hold you back in your life.
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