How much information is too much when a couple is trying to move on from infidelity?
Eventually, when Paul refused to answer Cathy’s lingering questions, Cathy threatenedIn fact, that’s when most couples decide to seek help—when one spouse has an intense “need to know” and the other is ready to move on and can’t fathom the benefit in talking about something that is no longer happening.First, since no two people are alike, it’s important to point out that some betrayed partners have little or no desire to discuss the details of their spouse’s affair.
That said, countless people really do want to have a grasp of what happened—who, what when, where, and why. And if these gnawing questions remain unanswered, healing won’t happen.Let’s go back to Cathy. When she learned of Paul’s affair, desperate to understand what had occurred, she reviewed her calendar over the past year, scrutinizing each day Paul was away, remembering the story he had told her regarding his whereabouts, now knowing the truth.
Betrayed spouses also ask questions to gauge their partners’ willingness to “come clean.” When unfaithful partners become completely and willingly transparent, betrayed spouses begin to feel that they’re tackling this crisis as a team—no more secrets, no more colluding. This is a great relief to betrayed spouses.
I believe that each person knows the amount and kind of information he or she requires to heal and become whole again after betrayal. That’s why I ask clients, “After you asked your husband those specific questions, did it help you to feel better?”If the answer is “No, not really. I was really upset with what I heard,” I help my clients devise a plan to resist the temptation to ask questions in the following weeks.
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