The Feeling of Ambient War in Ukraine

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The Feeling of Ambient War in Ukraine
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Ukrainian women on what it’s like to live through this moment, and how they plan to survive what comes next. AndreaStanley reports

to dust; brothers return home in caskets. There’s an ever-present and unsettling feeling — like that moment parents check on their children in the middle of the night, wakened by an unease that can’t be described — that Russian boots are near, standing on land that doesn’t belong to them. Of course, people are scared; some keep machine guns in closets. It’s just that Ukrainians don’t have the luxury of despair.

My husband and I moved to Kyiv from Donetsk when Russia attacked that part of Ukraine in 2014. It was not possible to stay. It was not safe. There was no work. Women were raped and tortured in basements. It was terrible. My parents came with us. They had a house with a beautiful garden and a forest nearby, but it was destroyed by the Russian army. They are now 70-years-old and have nothing.

Just the other morning, we woke up because we thought there was rain and thunder outside our window, but we realized they were rockets. Thankfully, out of the 50 rockets, our army shot down 44 of them. It is very difficult to recover from such a morning. You are sitting in the hallway holding your child’s ears and praying. This is all that remains.

Still, I am terrified of winter. I’m afraid to be without heat. When my hungry child comes home from school and I can’t even warm up a hot dinner for her and have to feed her sandwiches, I’m nervous. But unfortunately, or fortunately, a person can get used to everything. I bought a New Year’s garland that runs on batteries, warm pajamas, a warm blanket.

These days begin with being grateful that I am still alive and have a home, that Ukraine is still standing. I am working on a film called the. One of the most important goals of the enemy is to take away our voice. We have to continue to tell the world what is really happening. I realized my weapon is my profession. I am shooting, editing, and collecting stories of this historical moment for our nation.

We all worry about our boys and girls at the front, about our “kittens” — what we call our armed forces — what they’re eating, what they’re wearing, whether they’re protected enough, what’s still needed. Our priority is them. It cannot be otherwise, and everyone who wants to call themselves a Ukrainian must compare their day with the warriors’ day at the front.

I have an 8-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter. When the air-raid alarm goes off — this happens quite often — we go down to the first floor. We live in a fifth-floor corner apartment, which is very dangerous if a rocket arrives. Using Zoom, my children study with their schoolteacher. Well, this actually only happens if we have internet and electricity.

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