Understanding your parenting triggers—and dealing with the emotions underneath—can help you problem-solve instead of losing it on your kid.
I dread putting my daughters to bed. Instead of the idyllic magic hour it used to be when they were babies—with story time and snuggles and songs that lull them to sleep at the end of a hectic day—it’s turned into a nightly saga of chasing, nagging, whining, negotiating, yelling and, on really bad days, some crying. I start to feel anxious as soon as dinner is over and it’s time to go upstairs and wrestle the little Tasmanian devils to bed.
These old, visceral feeling from the past can affect your mood, make you irritable and resentful, and stop you from connecting with your child because when they trigger these angry feelings, youJennifer Kolari, a child and family therapist and the author ofsays your child could even remind you of someone in your life that you have a difficult relationship with, such as a mother, father or even a sibling.
, notice that. “Tell yourself: ‘This is just a program. My brain has been firing this way my whole life. It doesn’t have to keep firing this way,’” she says. You’re not naturallyto lose your temper and yell, you can choose different behaviours. The more you do that, the more that becomes a neural pathway as well, she says.“Many of us were disrespected as children, and when our kids are disrespectful to us, that trigger gets activated,” says Markham.
But Markham explains that hatred is not actually a feeling; it’s a stance. When a child says ‘I hate you,’ they’re not writing you off as their parent—which is probably what you’re hearing. What they’re really saying isAn appropriate response? “Acknowledge that your kid must be really mad. You say, ‘You can be as mad at me as you want. I will always love you, no matter what.
When it comes to spills and accidents, Kolari says that, “If your response is to immediately blame and criticize, then you want to practice a different response. She advises taking a second to relax your breathing, drop your shoulders and have something rehearsed that you have literally practiced saying. “Something like ‘It’s OK guys, spills happen, right? Or this happens to everybody, we’ll clean it up’. When you practice that a few times it will start to be a response that’s fairly automatic.
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