To my friends with babies, I'd like to apologize—
Ever since you had a baby, our friendship has been in a bit of a rut. For a long time, I thought it was your fault, because as Faith Hill says, a baby changes everything. But recent events have made me realize that I’m actually the one to blame. I owe you an apology. Several, in fact.To start, I’m sorry I showed up to meet your baby empty handed. I figured I’d checked off the gift-giving box at your baby shower, but I’ve since learned that only an ass-hat comes to a newborn visit without food.
I’m sorry that when you referred to your nipples as “monkey thumbs,” I inwardly cringed and assumed it would never happen to me. I should have gone home, kissed both my nips gently on the forehead, thanked them for their continued loyalty, and emotionally prepared for the day that they, too, would be wrenched into a breast pump and instantly transformed into ape flanges.
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