What it’s like to parent when you have agoraphobia—
Last year, I sat across from a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with agoraphobia. The word sounded foreign to me; almost funny. But agoraphobia is far from funny. It’s a serious and sometimes debilitatingThe first signs of agoraphobia began to appear when I was in university. I’d spend long, leisurely days at home under the soft crocheted blanket my mother had made me. I didn’t leave my house for days, existing on food scrounged from the fridge, or takeout.
I met my future husband at 19; his extroverted nature and desire to be outside in the world helped me to challenge myself more. We got married and had two children, and I managed to function fairly well as a young wife and mom. But in 2015, a series of traumatic events challenged my mental health. Shortly after my children turned three and one, my brother died of a massive heart attack.
As a university student, my agoraphobia affected no one but me. But as a mother to three children, it was clear that my mental illness was having an effect on them as well. There have been moments of resentment, like when my seven-year-old huffs that her father is more fun, and that she wishes I’d pick her up from school more often. Sometimes she’ll say things like, “Daddy goes on field trips, Mommy doesn’t.” I’ve chosen to hide my panic from them, and will wait to talk about my diagnosis when they’re old enough to understand.
, we’ll avoid going out to public places, sometimes for two, three or at the most four days. We eat our meals together at home, watchWhen I received my diagnosis a year ago, I was stunned and in denial. I didn’t understand agoraphobia and was afraid of the label and judgment it carried. Shortly after the diagnosis, I stopped seeing my psychiatrist, choosing to ignore my reality.
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