Here's what you need to know before speaking with a colleague going through pregnancy loss.
When a loss is acknowledged in the office, it’s important to be supportive, and the primary thing to understand is that pregnancy loss can take a real emotional toll. According to aby Imperial College London, 4 in 10 women reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder three months after their miscarriage, and 30% said this stress affected their work life.
“‘At least’ is not a compassionate way to start a sentence,” Zucker said. What people are often trying to convey with “at least you know you can get pregnant” is encouragement that it will happen again, she said, but no one can say this with certainty. Instead of comparing and contrasting your own experience of loss to your co-worker’s, Zucker said you should stay open about what you don’t know with language like, “I haven’t been through this, I don’t know how you’re feeling. Do you want to share with me?”Bindeman said she has heard from clients who had co-workers they felt close to but who never acknowledged their loss.
“What becomes hard is that once a few weeks pass and things look ‘back to normal,’ others tend to forget the loss has ever happened, whereas the parent that experienced the loss continues to remember, and feels isolated by others forgetting,” Bindeman said, noting that this experience is individual and some people are uncomfortable and private about their losses.
It’s key for managers to recognize the power differential in conversations after a loss. An employee may be concerned that disclosing a pregnancy loss could signal a loss in productivity, for example. A compassionate boss would put those concerns to rest by making it clear to an employee that taking time off work and doing less is more than acceptable.
Bosses should also be sensitive to other pregnancies within teams. Bindeman noted that if office baby showers are a company ritual and one is being planned, they can give the grieving co-worker a heads up, making it clear that attendance is optional and asking the person if they want to be on emails about the shower.
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