'My son was four. He was about 40 inches tall and weighed less than 35 pounds, but his words that day were bigger and heavier than any weight I ever knew I could carry in my momma heart. 'Mommy, I hate myself.''
You know those moments where all the noise around you stops, but also grows louder at the same time? Where you think your heart has halted, but you also don’t know if you can possibly contain the pounding in your chest? Where your body does both fight and flight in unison, and you can’t find yourself in your body’s response? That was this moment for me.
My son was four. He was about 40 inches tall and weighed less than 35 pounds, but his words that day were bigger and heavier than any weight I ever knew I could carry in my momma heart.Typing it again now makes me freeze under the weight of the memory. We were spending our day at an amusement park, a place where most kids would have been smiling, whining, and/or begging for ice cream. But my preschooler had already established a deep-rooted, and he wanted me to know in that very moment.
It would twist through my ears and actually tear up my heart. It would bruise my soul, but in that moment, I knew his was already bruised much deeper. My sweet boy was miserable, and I was completely lost in what to do. We stood there in line for a roller coaster together, just me and my boy, and I held him and hugged and told him how incredible he is. I tried to convince him with my words, but I knew it would never be enough to undo whatever damage had been done.
That night, when our son was sleeping soundly in his bed, I debriefed my husband. We discussed many ideas to help him. We were both so lost that it felt like our first day of
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