'I struggled to get my balance and find a rhythm and, rather than trying, I slipped back down onto the bed, his shadow moving over me.'
, “If women have been taught through sexist socialisation that a journey through the difficult terrain of sex will lead us to our heart’s desire, men have been taught that their heart’s desire should be for sex and more sex.” Under this model, women are encouraged to use sex as some sort of bargaining tool they can wield to trick men into being closer to them, a carrot they can dangle.
When I had sex with the man I mentioned earlier, I left soon afterwards. I bundled my stuff in my arms and went out to get an Uber. I guess I was scared of the vulnerability I felt. I thought I could outrun it. Really, I wanted to bury my face in his sheets, see how his soap smelled on my skin when I got in his shower.
I don’t think that feeling of vulnerability is totally unique to women though. In fact, sometimes I feel bad for men – don’t quote me on that – when I think about how they must feel when they’re not confident having sex. It’s become so normalised for them to lead so much of the interaction. As a woman, you could quite easily go through almost the entire thing without doing anything. Everything you do is seen as a plus. There’s so much more pressure on them to perform.
When I’m in social situations and I can’t stop second-guessing myself, I’ve found I can usually work my way out of self-consciousness by forcing myself to say everything that comes into my head even if it’s stupid. After a while I become unblocked, thoughts start to fall out of me without my pushing them to, and I realise I do actually have a personality.
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