Like Chris Martin and his tight trousers, someone else had to point out my errors
Guy Berryman might just have the best life of anyone on the planet. He’s in Coldplay – which means he gets to travel the world playing to enormous crowds, raking in vast mountains of cash whenever he does – but he isn’t, which means that nobody knows who he is. Guy Berryman could flap around naked on the floor of his local Tesco covered in cornflakes and condensed milk screaming “I’m the bassist out of Coldplay!” and people wouldn’t even give him a second glance. What a lucky man he is.
But, look, at the same time, there isn’t a man in the world who won’t be able to relate to Martin’s plight on some level or another. He’s three years older than me, and this is a dangerous age. In our mid-to-late forties, men have a habit of falling between two stools; one is ‘I’m still young and trendy! I’ve still got it!’ , and the other is “I’m old and braced for death, and so invisible that I might as well just start dressing in beige” .
Second comes the self-assessment stage, where you put on a T-shirt with a collar that scoops a little too low, or realise that cramming your big fat thighs into skinny jeans would cause enough friction to legally qualify as a fire hazard, and find yourself sickened by your own delusion. Now, I’ve had a full fleet of Berrymans in my life. My mum was the unbeaten champion of Berrymans, in her ability to gently inform you that you’re probably a bit too fat to wear T-shirts that tight now. But there have been others. Once in the 90s I walked into my sixth-form college wearing a T-shirt with a lace-up collar. One of my tutors saw it, said “Oi, Robin Hood,” and I never wore it again. And he was right.I’m still committing minor fashion crimes that need to be picked up.
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