When it comes to a new relationship, creating closeness is different from sustaining closeness. Here's a major reason why the spark dies, writes DrErinLeonard
about the feelings fading. He empathizes with her fear and communicates a sincere understanding of how and what she is feeling. Now, she feels understood, connected to him because he gets it, and far less alone in her plight. He also feels good because he is able to reassure her. The two remain close because they possess empathy for one another and provide it consistently.
The two depictions illustrate the difference between an emotionally unintelligent partner and an emotionally intelligent partner. The emotionally unavailable partner is unable to take his partner’s perspective for a moment. He may be disconnected from his own uncomfortable emotions and thus cannot access them in order to resonate with his partner’s. Instead, he shames her for having feelings with which he does not agree or understand.
Yet, the partner seemed capable of closeness initially. The sudden shift from adoration to indifference is painful for a person who is investing in this new relationship. Understandably, the drop in affection and closeness often makes a person think she did something wrong. However, the loss of love is usually not caused by the partner who longs for closeness. It is sometimes the result of an emotionally unintelligent partner who can generate closeness but cannot sustain it.
Creating closeness is different than sustaining closeness. At the beginning of a relationship, a partner is on their “best behavior.” He knows enough to be complimentary, supportive, and sympathetic. When his new love opens up, he realizes it is important to be caring. In the beginning stages, he is also comfortable opening up because he has control of the narrative. An emotionally unavailable partner tends to rewrite his own history in order to pose as the victim in past situations.
Also, empathy, a necessary element for closeness, is much different than care and support. Although they typically go hand in hand, actual empathy is the attempt to authentically understand the emotions of a loved one. For example, Lisa is hurt because Tim hasn’t texted or called in a few days. Tim’s sudden lack of interest is surprising and she fears he has lost interest. She contacts Tim to talk about it. Tim senses Lisa is hurt and he knows how that feels.
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