How to have a happy marriage by acknowledging when your needs change
contract, by its very nature, is a series of promises. But when you think about it, the institution of marriage, and what we assume and expect of each other within a marriage is, if not ridiculous, certainly in conflict with reality. I say this as a couple’s therapist and as someone who’s been married for many years, and who also deeply respects and enjoys what marriage offers.
Sometimes, what changes is what we want in a partner. We may have been drawn, for example, to our partner’s steadiness and reliability. Perhaps it soothed our feelings of ungrounded-ness, satisfied our need to feel more rooted. But now, years later, we no longer need a calming force, but instead, wish for adventure, possibility, and change. We have created our own ground and now need to fly. Or perhaps we were originally attracted to the differences in our partner.
The question is not if we are going to break promises in a marriage; we are. We must accept this truth. The question is how do we want to dance with the broken promises that will happen, dance with the changes and disappointments, and dance with the continual losing of the partner we used to know? We take our vows as a proclamation of who we are, how we feel, and what we believe at the moment we stand at that altar . But we must remember that marriage is not an agreement to stay there, to keep being that person, feeling those feelings. That’s not possible and not wise. Marriage might have better odds if we saw it as a commitment that includes broken promises.
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