After I came out as a sexual-assault survivor, one of the first things people wanted to know was if I’d found it in my heart to forgive the boys who hurt me. I knew what everyone wanted to hear.
Asking for forgiveness when I have wronged someone is uncomfortable, but nowhere near as uncomfortable as reframing myself as someone who expects others to make amends. I suspect I am not the only woman who can relate to this. Sometimes I wonder if this accountability imbalance has contributed to an online mob culture that disproportionately targets women for failing to do everything right, oftentimes to a degree that is also disproportionate to the offense.
I will be the first to admit I am guilty of demanding more of women, of exploiting our capacity for introspection and humility—a capacity some may say is a superpower, though it could just as well be a survival skill in a world where women both apologize and are the victims of wrongdoing more often than men. My wish is not for us to shutter our ability to perceive harm, but for men to become more perceptive, and, in turn, have the courage to show remorse.
Years ago, I walked out of a bar with an old boyfriend. We were looking for a cab and standing far enough apart that I appeared to be alone. A man walked by and made a lewd comment about a part of my body and what he wanted to do to it. I jerked a thumb and said, indignantly,hey, man, sorryI’ve stewed over this chummy resolution for years, a real-world example of the nebulous nature of a woman’s visibility—enough to be harassed but still too dim to warrant an apology.
Do I think the guys who assaulted me will ever have the guts to admit what they did and ask for my forgiveness? No, but that does not mean I can’t see myself as someone who is worth that extraordinary act of courage.
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