When David Archuleta's first single, 'Crush,' went double platinum in 2009, his lifelong alienation from his own sexuality meant he'd never once had a crush of his own. 'It was not a feeling I ever allowed myself to feel.'
in immaculate pop vocal precision — earned the then-17-year-old wild screams from the tween and teen girls in the studio audience and instant raves from the judges. Randy Jackson told Archuleta he was “born to do exactly what you’re doing.” Paula Abdul gushed that he was “destined for superstardom.” And Simon Cowell proclaimed, “Right now, you’re the one to beat.”
“I think I was just in protection mode the whole time,” he says. “If anything, I was putting a wall between me and everyone else.”in which he came out as being a member of the LGBTQIA+ community.
“I get afraid to blame things on ‘American Idol,’ because something in me is programmed to say, ‘I have to be grateful, because where would I be without it?’” Archuleta says. “But at the same time, I’ve talked to other ‘American Idol’ contestants about how we all have trust issues. Like: ‘You can’t trust anyone anymore, not even your own family.’ That’s what we were told.
“It was not a feeling I ever allowed myself to feel,” he says. From his earliest memories, his only conception of a relationship between two people was the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman that is the foundation of the LDS faith. When he was a kid, any flutters of feeling for, say, an animated Disney prince were immediately tamped down. By the time he was old enough to examine them, Archuleta was a household name with a major recording contract and a worldwide tour to support it.
“I need quiet and alone time, and from the moment ‘American Idol’ auditions began when I was 16 to when I was 21, I never had that,” he says. As he lived and worked in Chile in a mission just south of Santiago, he had the space to begin to look at himself and recognize his attraction to other men.
The combination proved untenable: Letting anyone get truly close meant exposing a side of himself he’d been taught was incompatible with living a godly life, and the seething anger and resentment that were stoked in Archuleta terrified him. His life was still not truly his own, and after a relationship with a girlfriend fell apart in May, he found himself in an especially dark place.
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