ZIMBABWE—Disappointed that its generous portion of booty had apparently gone unnoticed by the hunters encroaching upon its habit, a local African elephant expressed disbelief Thursday that poachers were so focused on its tusks they had barely noticed its fine ass. “I understand these guys want to make a quick buck off my ivory, but my real moneymaker is this perfect dump-truck ass,” said the critically endangered 5-ton herbivore, observing that while it was not possible to make piano keys out of its buttocks, there was no music sweeter than the clapping of its ample, supple booty cheeks. “You want a hunting trophy? Look no farther than these exquisite hams I’m hauling around right here! You can get tusks from any two-bit walrus, but this is the only place you’re gonna find a juicy bubble butt so beautiful you can mount it on the wall of your study.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the elephant was trying to divert the poachers’ attention away from its tusks by backing its ass up into their faces.
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