After a lifetime telling lies, Radhika realised she wasn't the flawless friend and daughter she thought she was. So she resolved to never lie again, no matter what - and especially not to herself.
The Girl Who Couldn’t Lie by Radhika Sanghani is out now.'So, you lied.’ The accusation from my therapist rendered me speechless. I hadn’t lied! As I’d just explained, all I’d done was tell a friend I wasn’t upset with her for cancelling on me when, secretly, I was. But that didn’t make me a liar. I was just… tweaking the truth so I wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Everybody does that.
After three decades of lying - and suffering from anxiety and stress because she wasn't being honest with herself - Radhika Sanghani embarked on an experiment to always tell the truth My lying started in primary school, as I tried to make my parents happy by being a ‘good girl’, putting on a big smile and hiding my true feelings. It’s not surprising; even the nursery rhymes I sang said girls were made of ‘sugar and spice and all things nice’.
Those patterns continued into my adult years and, when I entered the workplace, led me to take on more than I could healthily manage. Often, not wanting to disappoint my editor, I’d take on work even though I was already backed up. To manage it, I had to cancel plans with my boyfriend, lying to him about why because he couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just tell my editor the truth — a rift that ultimately contributed to the end of our relationship.
It was a bold experiment, but I was interested to see what happened. Would it be excruciating? Would it make me lose friends and alienate family? Or would it make me feel more at ease with myself? Might it even inspire others to adopt the same approach? Other seemingly simple tasks suddenly became agonising. It would take me hours to reply to basic messages, such as a friend asking if I was free for a coffee. Before, if I didn’t fancy it, I’d reply: ‘I’d love to, but I can’t.’
Not lying wasn’t just confined to answering questions. It also meant opening up to friends about things I’d been hiding from them — like my anxiety, or the fact I was in therapy. It was the first time I’d ever given someone my honest, negative opinion and I was terrified of her response. When it came, it was an anti-climax. ‘OK thanks. Might wear something else.’
There was also a particularly tough moment with a friend who wanted to hear what I thought of her new boyfriend. I knew the truth could damage our friendship — nobody wants to hear that the love of their life is a potential narcissist. So instead, I opted out of answering, simply telling her my opinion was irrelevant because all that mattered was how she felt with him. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but I learnt that honesty doesn’t mean I have to say everything I think.
It ended up being one of the most honest conversations we’d ever had, as she admitted she felt the same way and had been struggling for as long as I had. We decided to stop trying so hard to keep things afloat, instead choosing to let go. Though it was sad, it was freeing for both of us. Telling the truth has also changed my life romantically. I was dating during my first year of no lies and my honesty very quickly got rid of anyone who wasn’t right for me. Asked what I was looking for, I’d say: ‘True love, you?’ If they weren’t on the same page, they’d disappear pretty fast.
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