You’re never going to know what the right thing to say is.
This diary by a hospital chaplain in New Jersey has been edited and condensed from an interview with Aymann Ismail.
So silence is often your best friend. For two reasons. One, silence offers you the space to get to know what to say. It allows you to be present in a way where the moment washes over you so you can become inspired. Your gut tells you what to say. That’s the right thing to say or do. And No. 2, it offers a space for the other person to say what they want to say or do what they want to do, or to just cry or just be in the silence.
I’m a hospital chaplain in New Jersey. We’re an epicenter of the virus. We have more deaths every day now than New York. I’m still working. I’m calling patients directly to their room. Phone calls are just much quicker than my in-person visits. I think silences in person are different because when you’re sitting with someone and both of you are silent, sometimes that’s really what you need. You just need somebody to be in the space with you and just feeling it with you.
If I think I know what to expect from a patient, it ends up being to my disadvantage. I’m actually better as a chaplain when I’m surprised, because then I have no option but to be in the moment and figure it out as it comes. But if I’m prepared and I know what I’m getting into, I get nervous, and I start thinking,What am I going to say? What am I going to do? How am I going to be the best chaplain I can be right now?It’s hard to do this personally.
Something about the Zoom stuff to me—it’s reducing us to 2D versions of spiritual beings. I just wanted to be in a room with people who knew him. I had nothing to say. I just wanted to feel other people who knew him. That would have been enough. But that wasn’t an option. I don’t really know if I was able to fully grieve him.
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