“I knew I was constructing a mirage, trying to force love to happen. Just as I couldn’t alter my past, I didn’t have the power to change the reality sitting before me”
Photo: J.V. Aranda He looked like he came out of a J.Crew catalogue: a single, dirty-blond, blue-eyed, fit man in his mid-thirties. Brad was a Princeton alumnus and nonprofit vice-president who sat at a table next to mine on Sunday mornings at the neighborhood café.
I knew I was constructing a mirage, trying to force love to happen. Just as I couldn’t alter my past, I didn’t have the power to change the reality sitting before me. Once, a few months after I asked him out, I was walking down the street and I saw, in the distance, a man standing by his car, staring at me. As I got closer, I saw it was Brad. His gaze didn’t match his stance about dating me. He said hello and mentioned he was meeting with a Realtor: He was tired of renting and was considering buying a condo. Then he drove away.
My friends suggested that Brad hadn’t wanted to pursue a relationship with me not because he didn’t care for me but because he was trying to protect me. That may or may not have been true. But what is true is that when I knew him, I made many assumptions, rooted in my low self-esteem: I thought he didn’t want to go out with me because I was “damaged goods.” I had to let go of this myth, which I’d been wearing like a cloak around my heart.
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