Sometimes, remaining in a state of confusion serves us
My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years, although we dated for about five years before getting married. We met in graduate school and have, in essence, been together our entire adult lives. We also have two little kids.
HSG lives one neighborhood over from me. I ran into him in a store about a year ago. We both had our kids with us. Our kids weren’t really letting us chat, so we exchanged emails to set up a coffee date, which involved catching up and a bit of reminiscing but was entirely aboveboard. We hugged at the end and went our separate ways. We haven’t been in contact since, but HSG hasn’t left my mind.
Most people in committed relationships have all sorts of extracurricular desires and fantasize about other people. Often these fantasies reconnect us with aspects of ourselves that have been tamped down by the daily demands of work, kids, and our partner’s needs . Our fantasies safely and temporarily transport us to a place that we want to visit for a thrill but not inhabit full-time. They stoke the intense desire that comes from mystery, distance, and lack of attainment.
Sometimes we firmly believe it’s the other person who’s being confusing, but actually we’re colluding in the confusion, because remaining in a state of confusion serves us. The downside of confronting High School Guy, of clarifying the situation, is that your fantasy would end in a definitive way. Either you’d both remove the barriers and test out a possible relationship , or you’d decide not to, and the bubble would burst.
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