I repeat this phrase like a mantra, and it gets me through the highs and lows of parenting.
My oldest child is, simply put, an achiever. He is anand a model student who is disciplined, determined, and hard-working. So it’s easy for me to give myself a metaphorical pat on the back when he wins first place in a chess tournament or scores a touchdown. It feels like his laundry list of accomplishments and general “good” behavior are proof of my excellent mothering, and that I am, to some degree, even responsible for them.
“I’m so sorry,” I gushed to my friend after it happened. She looked confused and asked me why I was apologizing whendid nothing wrong. Then she delivered the profound words that would change my life forever: “Your child is not you.” “I’ve raised you better than that and you’ve humiliated us both!” I angrily said to my son after the incident. The problem was, I was seeing the situation as a direct reflection of me rather than what it was: a mistake he made. I was so focused on my embarrassment over howlook that it didn’t occur to me that it had nothing to do with me at all, but instead, had everything to do with the fact that he is a prepubescent kid learning how to navigate complicated friendship dynamics.
Anytime I’m out in public and one of my kids does something wrong, I feel disgrace because I always assume that the people around me are horrified and judging me for being the type of parent who allows a child to act like that. I’m sensitive and I worry about how I’m being perceived, because — let's be honest — the mom-shaming struggle is real. But generally, my child is simply having a reaction, typically an age-appropriate one at that.
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